For full coverage of all articles in the Faith Alive! section, read the paper version of The Catholic Northwest Progress. There you will find various articles and discussion materials that engage the challenging questions people are asking everywhere today as they re-evaluate priorities, cope with uncertainties and reaffirm faith’s centrality at the start of what is being termed an altogether new era. Subscribe now!
How families handle fears
By David M. Thomas
Our children are always fearful about my health. During this last year I had to have minor heart repair. I was fortunate to have medical assistance that determined I had almost total blockage in a major heart artery. A fairly simple procedure, angioplasty, was performed — with total success.
Nevertheless whenever our daughters sense that I am winded, or just tired, they immediately become fearful. One says to me quite often, "Dad, are you dying?" Imagine what kind of thoughts she is having — and fears about her future!
I have been a parent of young children for more than 35 years. This is partly due to my wife and I recently adopting two little girls.
I've stood at the door of our family home as each of our seven children walked to catch the school bus at the corner or went out to play in environs around our home. When I first bid them goodbye three decades ago as they went "outside," I was mostly at peace. So were they.
Now there's a different "outside" out there! Neither they, nor I, feel fully at ease as they step into a world that seems a little darker and more foreboding than it used to be. But enter it, they must, as I try to assure them — with prayers for heavenly protection in my heart — that we'll all be watching that they remain safe.
I want them to have a good time, a time during which they can be happy and playful. But I know it's not as easy these days — no matter where you live — for children to retain a feeling of holy innocence.
For children, fears can basically come from one of two directions.
— From the outside world of neighborhood, local community or the world at large.
— From right inside the home.Outside fears are generated especially by what we view in news reports. Sometimes the events can be quite scary for a child's mind. Drive-by shootings in a distant neighborhood can be thought by a child to be close by. The terrible events of 9-11 can feel like something that could happen anywhere. Perhaps occasional business trips are taken by Mom or Dad. What might happen if there is terrorism where they are?
Add to that the terrible violence that can erupt in a school building. This risk can be especially difficult for some children, particularly when their own school takes security measures. "Why are uniformed policeman walking around in our school?" The children know.
We live in the Denver area only a few miles from Columbine High School. No child in our part of the country lives without a detailed memory of that tragedy. Adding fuel to the fires of fear is the way the media handles these events to ensure maximum emotional effect.
Adults have the mental capacity to put these things in perspective. Children often don't. They desperately need the help of the parent's way of thinking.
Now let's note some fears that come from inside the home. As we all know, this is not an easy time for families. Economics play a huge role these days in creating uncertainty and fear. "What if Dad loses his job? What if Mom does? What if we have to move for them to get work? What if we don't have enough money?"
These can be quite real questions for a youngster as he or she overhears bits and pieces of the conversation among the adults. Children can easily fabricate a future of doom and difficulty.
Again, the parents' broader perspective is needed.
Children today easily fall prey to great fear. There is enough evidence for them to create a huge case for themselves that it's dangerous even to get out of bed in the morning.
So what can a family do?
It helps if parents reflect on the fact that children don't think as they do. Children's minds are fluid and can easily elevate a simple news event or a passing parental comment into tragic proportions. So parents need to listen carefully to their children's view of what's happening in the world.
This does not mean dismissing what's happening by saying that it doesn't matter. It does. But with reasonable precautions, we can keep on living a happy and relatively peaceful life.
Also, note children's silences. That's often an important indicator that a child is overwhelmed with questions and even fear. Talk about what's happening in the world around the dinner table or in the car while going to soccer practice or music lessons.
In the end, I believe parents should try to give the view that the world is filled with good people too. There are watchful and caring people in the schools, the neighborhood, the home.
Recognize the causes of excessive fear, know how it especially attacks children and, through conversation and reassurance, allow your children to know and experience the goodness of life so generously desired for all of us by God.
Davind M. Thomas is family life editor with Benziger Publishing and co-director of the Bethany Family Institute.
Some things that go with the parenthood territory
By Christopher Carstens
Parents want safe, healthy and happy children. We hope that they will be successful at school, in sports and in social relations. We pray that they will not get addicted to drugs, pornography or dangerous thrills. Finally, we cherish the dream that they won't drop out of the church right after high school.
Parents worry about whatever threatens those dreams, and there is a long list of problems to be scared about. As a child psychologist, I have some suggestions for keeping one's balance.
First, avoid catching the "paranoia of the week." Despite what the worried-looking TV anchorperson tells you, it is highly unlikely that your child will be kidnapped from her bedroom or contract Mad Cow Disease. Those tragedies happen, but, blessedly, they are rare.
The next time you hear one of those stories, ask yourself, "How many children has this really affected?" If the answer is hundreds — the recent flu epidemic, for example — then take some precautions. However, if the problem has only touched eight or 10 children in an entire nation, make sure that your reactions are in reasonable proportion to the real risk.
Second, remember that it isn't your job to guarantee that your children are happy and entertained at all times. Sometimes children will be frustrated because their early attempts to solve a problem don't work out. Such frustration is not an indicator of your failure; don't rush in and make the problem your own.
Likewise, boredom can be an important motivator. Yes, we can guarantee peaceful homes by getting each child his or her own TV set and video game console. Mentally numbed youngsters are very quiet. But there is more opportunity for growth and learning — along with the increased noise — when children deal with their normal restlessness by finding something interesting to do in the real world.
Third, among parenthood's deadliest fears is the dread of not being liked all the time by the children. We have become convinced that parents should be their child's pal.
Responsible parents set standards and make sure children follow them. Responsible parents know that sometimes being respected is more important than being liked. They insist that children do their homework and go to church. Sometimes they will not let them go to parties where there may not be enough supervision.
It is a parent's sometimes thankless job to make some decisions that children are not mature enough to make on their own. For a while afterward, the children might not like their parents very much. That can be a scary time for those trying to be pals with their offspring. It comes with the territory.
Finally, parents must take moral positions on what they see and hear in the media. They cannot purify the airwaves and probably can't make sure that their children never ever see an offensive movie. However, parents can name mindless violence, obscenity and sexual exploitation when they see them. Parents can make clear that such materials are not acceptable in their home.
That may mean turning the television off in the middle of a program, or sending a CD packed with filthy lyrics back to the store. It might mean getting Internet filtering software, or cutting off the computer altogether. It certainly will lead to being called old-fashioned, unreasonable and dumb.
When called those things, parents should take heart, tell their children that they are being protected from things parents know are dangerous.
Children will be grateful — when they're about 26.
Christopher Carstens is a California psychologist.
Food for Thought
By David Gibson
Two of my children had babies about two years ago. During these two years I've had so many reminders through them of just how strongly parents fear for a child's health, safety and well-being! Naturally, during three decades of parenthood my wife and I experienced our own fears and anxieties. Parenthood is a long-term proposition. Along with any given moment's concerns are those attached to the future, which, basically, is unknown. Parental fears often are fears of the unknown. Perhaps parents worry whether their child will "succeed" not only in school but in life; or they fear that they and others won't always grasp what their child truly needs. Parents frequently wonder if they've done enough to prepare a child for this or that situation. There's much to genuinely concern parents. But must fears control us? Maybe parents need — and should communicate to each other — the gift of courage. Not long ago, speaking on a quite different topic, Milwaukee seminary professor Father Bryan Massingale said: "St. Thomas Aquinas teaches that courage is not the absence of fear. Rather, courage lies in the determination to do what is right despite being afraid."
David Gibson, of Catholic News Service, is editor of Faith Alive!